Woody Allen
Woody Allen- “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Woody Allen
I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen
I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
Woody Allen
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5’7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Woody Allen
