Trading Room

Handlarrummet- " Yoy want a friend? Buy yourself a fucking dog!"


Anybody who ever set foot inside of a trading room can tell you about the intense atmosphere. The pulse, the war stories and the brash words are all part of the game. We have collected some of the funniest trading room stories here for your amusement. While the classical Wall Street trader appears to be a dying breed we will preserve some of the best hilarious stories from the golden ages of speculation right here. We want to thank our readers for their contributions. In case you have something you think would be a good fit, don´t hesitate. Just send us an e-mail and we´ll set it up hear, alongside the rest of the goodies.

The difference between a buy-side and a sell-side guy:
The buy-side guy says ‘Fuck you!’ before they hang up the phone.
On the sell-side, the sell-side guy hang up the phone and say, “Fuck you!

På UBS finns en internchattfunktion där du kan chatta individuellt eller med större grupperingar. En av de större grupperna när jag jobbade där var #Eurochat där ALLA som, på ett eller annat sätt, jobbade med aktier i Europa kunde posta/läsa viktiga saker såsom uppgraderingar, vinstvarningar, riktigt stora flöden etc.

När sedan någon glömde att logga ur sin chat under ett toalettbesök så gick det givetvis inte att motstå frestelsen att posta följande två meningar på just nämda #Eurochat …

”Yeah I definitely think that Ricky Martins second album is his best album”
”Oops. Sorry wrong chat”

Givetvis väldigt roligt och då jag inte hade för avsikt att ta åt mig äran för mitt mästerverk så oroade jag mig heller icke för eventuell hämndaktion. Det borde jag ha gjort. Tillbaka vid desken efter en sväng vid kaffeautomaten så fann jag att min chat/mitt namn hade postat följande härliga mening på Eurochatten:

”What is this GDP you guys talk about all the time?”

Kanske inte det bästa chattinlägget att få postat i ditt namn om du har tänkt dig någon form av karriär inom företaget, men genialiskt roligt.


In a critical letter posted in New York Times Goldman Sachs executive Greg Smith, director and head of the firm’s United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa, gave his reasons for resigning:

TODAY is my last day at Goldman Sachs. After almost 12 years at the firm — first as a summer intern while at Stanford, then in New York for 10 years, and now in London — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what it stands for.

It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but culture was always a vital part of Goldman Sachs’s success. It revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by our clients. The culture was the secret sauce that made this place great and allowed us to earn our clients’ trust for 143 years. It wasn’t just about making money; this alone will not sustain a firm for so long. It had something to do with pride and belief in the organization. I am sad to say that I look around today and see virtually no trace of the culture that made me love working for this firm for many years. I no longer have the pride, or the belief.

But this was not always the case. For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates through our grueling interview process. I was selected as one of 10 people (out of a firm of more than 30,000) to appear on our recruiting video, which is played on every college campus we visit around the world. In 2006 I managed the summer intern program in sales and trading in New York for the 80 college students who made the cut, out of the thousands who applied.

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look students in the eye and tell them what a great place this was to work.

When the history books are written about Goldman Sachs, they may reflect that the current chief executive officer, Lloyd C. Blankfein, and the president, Gary D. Cohn, lost hold of the firm’s culture on their watch. I truly believe that this decline in the firm’s moral fiber represents the single most serious threat to its long-run survival.

Over the course of my career I have had the privilege of advising two of the largest hedge funds on the planet, five of the largest asset managers in the United States, and three of the most prominent sovereign wealth funds in the Middle East and Asia. My clients have a total asset base of more than a trillion dollars. I have always taken a lot of pride in advising my clients to do what I believe is right for them, even if it means less money for the firm. This view is becoming increasingly unpopular at Goldman Sachs. Another sign that it was time to leave.

How did we get here? The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing. Today, if you make enough money for the firm (and are not currently an ax murderer) you will be promoted into a position of influence.

What are three quick ways to become a leader? a) Execute on the firm’s “axes,” which is Goldman-speak for persuading your clients to invest in the stocks or other products that we are trying to get rid of because they are not seen as having a lot of potential profit. b) “Hunt Elephants.” In English: get your clients — some of whom are sophisticated, and some of whom aren’t — to trade whatever will bring the biggest profit to Goldman. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like selling my clients a product that is wrong for them. c) Find yourself sitting in a seat where your job is to trade any illiquid, opaque product with a three-letter acronym.

Today, many of these leaders display a Goldman Sachs culture quotient of exactly zero percent. I attend derivatives sales meetings where not one single minute is spent asking questions about how we can help clients. It’s purely about how we can make the most possible money off of them. If you were an alien from Mars and sat in on one of these meetings, you would believe that a client’s success or progress was not part of the thought process at all.

It makes me ill how callously people talk about ripping their clients off. Over the last 12 months I have seen five different managing directors refer to their own clients as “muppets,” sometimes over internal e-mail. Even after the S.E.C., Fabulous Fab, Abacus, God’s work, Carl Levin, Vampire Squids? No humility? I mean, come on. Integrity? It is eroding. I don’t know of any illegal behavior, but will people push the envelope and pitch lucrative and complicated products to clients even if they are not the simplest investments or the ones most directly aligned with the client’s goals? Absolutely. Every day, in fact.

It astounds me how little senior management gets a basic truth: If clients don’t trust you they will eventually stop doing business with you. It doesn’t matter how smart you are.

These days, the most common question I get from junior analysts about derivatives is, “How much money did we make off the client?” It bothers me every time I hear it, because it is a clear reflection of what they are observing from their leaders about the way they should behave. Now project 10 years into the future: You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that the junior analyst sitting quietly in the corner of the room hearing about “muppets,” “ripping eyeballs out” and “getting paid” doesn’t exactly turn into a model citizen.

When I was a first-year analyst I didn’t know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces. I was taught to be concerned with learning the ropes, finding out what a derivative was, understanding finance, getting to know our clients and what motivated them, learning how they defined success and what we could do to help them get there.

My proudest moments in life — getting a full scholarship to go from South Africa to Stanford University, being selected as a Rhodes Scholar national finalist, winning a bronze medal for table tennis at the Maccabiah Games in Israel, known as the Jewish Olympics — have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts. Goldman Sachs today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about achievement. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.

I hope this can be a wake-up call to the board of directors. Make the client the focal point of your business again. Without clients you will not make money. In fact, you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much money they make for the firm. And get the culture right again, so people want to work here for the right reasons. People who care only about making money will not sustain this firm — or the trust of its clients — for very much longer.

The reply by Lloyd Blankfein CEO, Goldman Sachs:

Dear Goldman Client:
By now, many of you have probably read the regrettable resignation letter published in today’s New York Times by former Goldman executive Greg Smith, explaining why he is leaving the firm after twelve years.

In the letter, in which he excoriates Goldman and his practices, Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards. And as you read his words, you no doubt asked yourself this troubling question: how could Goldman have hired such a person?

At Goldman, we pride ourselves on our ability to scour the world’s universities and business schools for the finest sociopaths money will buy. Once in our internship program, these youths are subjected to rigorous evaluations to root out even the slightest evidence of a soul. But, as the case of Mr. Smith shows, even the most time-tested system for detecting shreds of humanity can blow a gasket now and then. For that, we can only offer you our deepest apology and the reassurance that one good apple won’t spoil the whole bunch.

As to those of you who were serviced by Mr. Smith, it’s understandable that you would be concerned about who will be taking his place going forward. On that front, I have some exciting news: today, Goldman is pleased to announce that our new executive director and head of the United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa will be Mr. Joseph Kony. For those unfamiliar with Mr. Kony’s resume, let me assure you that he has the character and moral standards you have come to expect from Goldman, and like the rest of us here at the bank, he has dedicated his life to doing the Lord’s work.

Lloyd Blankfein
CEO, Goldman Sachs


Skämtsamt mail som cirkulerade friskt mellan världens handlarrum i samband med krisen 2008:

Your Urgent Help Needed
Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a
transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had
crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion
dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most
profitable to you.
I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may
know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the
1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds
as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account
numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your commission for
this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with
detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the
Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

I boken “Pit Bull” beskriver Martin Schwartz hur han en dag bröt alla sina regler och köpte mer och mer i en marknad som bara fortsatte neråt. I ett försök att hantera sina upproriska känslor trädde han en papperspåse över huvudet och började hoppa från skrivbord till skrivbord i handlarrummet samtidigt som han skrek “I´m long. I´m long. I´m TOO fucking long.” Marknaden vände till slut, och Martin klarade sig ur en jobbig torskposition med blotta förskräckelsen. Nästa dag fick Martin Schwartz en baseball-boll signerad av hela det legendariska New York Yankees årgång 1960 i present av Ray, en kollega i handlarrummet. Det visade sig att Ray hade ringt sin son och sin svärson när han såg Martins krigsdans. Tillsammans hade de tre laddat terminer för allt vad tygen höll, och hade fått sin bästa vinstdag någonsin.

En av de stora valutahandlarna i London hade sitt eget unika sätt att dela ut julklappar. Veckan innan julafton ringde han upp sina favoritkontrahenter och sade helt enkelt “Yours”, “Mine”, följt av en lämplig volym. De lyckliga på andra sidan telefonluren fick helt enkelt spreaden i julgåva, av finansmarknadens eget svar på tomten.

Tack till Speckler

Hur många klyschor kan en börsmäklare få in under ett enskilt telefonsamtal egentligen? Under krisen 2002 fick undertecknad lyssna på ett samtal där en kollega spikade inte mindre än 14 väl beprövade klyschor. Om Din mäklare använder sig av någon av följande fraser vet Du att det ser bedrövligt ut i portföljen: “Det gäller att sitta still i båten”, “Det gäller att ha is i magen”, “Fina bolag kommer alltid tillbaka och trägen vinner”. Min personliga favorit var nog ändå “Det krävs bara ett litet uppjuck så kommer portföljen att se riktigt trevlig ut igen”. Marknaden hade då fallit dryga 67 %, och kundens kärninnehav var LM Ericsson. Ridå.

En svensk aktiemäklare, känd för sitt sinne för humor,  hade för vana att varje jul ringa till de kunder som han inte fått julgåvor av och tacka för den fina Whiskyn. Samtalet gick i stilen: “Jag ville bara ringa och tacka min absoluta favoritkund för den fina julgåvan. Omtänksamt att skicka Whisky som jag ju är så förtjust i”. Vid det laget brukade kunden harkla sig lite ursäktande och säga att det inte var han som skickat Whiskyn. Efter sedvanliga artighetsfraser avslutades sedan samtalet. Ett par dagar senare fick mäklaren i regel en årgångs-Whisky från de flesta av de uppringda kunderna. “Det här kommer väl till pass till nyår”, brukade han skoja.

En vida beryktad historia gör gällande att en legendarisk svensk marknadsaktör lät installera en Bloomberg i sitt sovrum för att bättre kunna följa marknadens svängningar. Denna manöver föll inte i god jord hos dåvarande fästmön, som ställde ett ultimatum: “Antingen gör Du dig av med “Blomman-terminalen” eller så gör Du dig av med mig”. En vecka senare gick paret sina skillda vägar och som plåster på såren inhandlade den inbitne Bloomberg-användaren  en Porsche 911 till sig själv.

Tack till Per

“Att jobba i finansbranschen när det är omorganisationer på gång känns som att tillbringa dagarna i ett jävligt testosteronladdat Robinson-Öråd.”
Myntat av svensk aktiemäklare 2003

 ”You want a friend? Go buy yourself a fucking dog.” myntades under 1980-talets Lehman Brothers-era. Enligt boken “Liar´s Poker” uttalades de bevingade orden i samband med att en chef försökte få en underordnad att stanna kvar, till en lägre lön än vad konkurrenten erbjudit, genom att vädja till den anställdes patos och de vänskapliga banden till firman.

På en Stockholmsbaserad firma skickade mäklarna ett skämtmail till en kollega just när denne skulle diskutera en allvarlig felaffär med sin chef. När mäklaren öppnade filen som var döpt “Viktigt”, togs skärmen över av ett program vars huvudsakliga syfte var att basunera ut “Hey everybody, I`m watching PORN. That´s right. PORN. PORN. PORN. PORN. PORN.”

En solig vårdag i Stockholm 2007 var EN mäklare på plats av totalt ett tjugotal heltidsanställda mäklare. De övriga njöt av de första solstrålarna våren hade att bjuda på. Mäklarchefen gick sedermera i taket och krävde förklaringar under nästa dags morgonmöte. Enligt uppgift var de påföljande förklaringarna av så kreativ karaktär att mäklarchefen ursinnigt lämnade rummet och slog dörren efter sig.

Tack till Soldyrkaren

En aktiemäklare i Stockholm var så vansinnig på en enligt honom “puckad” kund att han slog sönder sin telefonterminal. Det skulle han inte ha gjort. Kostnaden för den svindyra apparaten drogs på nästkommande tre månadslöner.

Tack till Per

En senior analytiker som besöker Bang & Olufsen för att utröna om det verkligen är ett så bra blankningscase som alla hoppas på råkar försäga sig i sitt samtal med ledningen. På frågan om vad han tror om aktiemarknaden generellt svarade han lite väl sanningsenligt: “Well, we are predominantly long, but we are looking to add some shorts to our book which is why I scheduled…” Resten av samtalet förflöt professionellt, om än i något avmätt ton. Att den svettige analytikern i ett försök att rädda ansiktet nickade optimistiskt och engagerat när han fick ta del av de “handlingskraftiga” framtidsplanerna, skall bara ha resulterat i ökad irritation i rummet.

Tack till Long Samsung-Short B&O

Ytterligare ett exempel på ett av de mest cirkulerade emailen på världens alla handlarrum är ett klassiskt utbyte av mail mellan den excentriske amerikanske hedgefondförvaltaren Daniel Loeb och en arbetssökande europeisk investmentbankir:

From: Alan Lewis
To: Daniel Loeb
March 22, 2005
Daniel, thanks for calling earlier today. Enclosed is my CV for your review. I look forward to following up with you when you have more time.
Best regards, Alan.
From: Daniel Loeb
To: Alan Lewis
March 28, 2005
What are your three best current European ideas?
From: Alan Lewis
To: Daniel Loeb
March 28, 2005
Daniel, I am sorry but it does not interest me to move forward in this way.
If you wish to have a proper discussion about what you are looking to accomplish in Europe, and see how I might fit in, fine. Lesson One of dealing in Europe: Business is not conducted in the same informal manner as in the U.S.
Best regards, Alan.
From: Daniel Loeb
To: Alan Lewis
March 28, 2005
One idea would suffice.
We are an aggressive, performance-oriented fund looking for bloodthirsty competitive individuals, who show initiative and drive, to make outstanding investments.
This is why I have built Third Point into a $3bn (£1.6bn) fund with average net returns of 30% over 10 years. We find most Brits are a bit set in their ways and prefer to knock back a pint at the pub and go shooting on weekends rather than work hard. Lifestyle choices are important, and knowing one’s limitations with respect to dealing in a competitive environment is too. That is Lesson One at my shop. It is good that we learned about this incompatibility early in the process, and I wish you all the best in your career in traditional fund management.
From: Alan Lewis
To: Daniel Loeb
March 28, 2005
Daniel, I guess your reputation is proved correct. I have not been in traditional fund management for more than 11 years. I did not achieve the success I have by knocking back a pint, as you say. I am aggressive, and I do love this business.
I am half-American and half-French, and having spent more than half my life on this side of the pond I think I know a little something about how one conducts business in the U.K. and Europe.
There are many opportunities in the U.K. and Europe, shareholder regard is only beginning to be accepted and understood. However, if you come here and handle it in the same brash way you have in the U.S., I guarantee you will fail. Things are done differently here. Yes, place in society still matters, where one went to school etc. It will take tact and patience (traits you obviously do not have) to succeed in this arena. Good luck! Alan.
From: Daniel Loeb
To: Alan Lewis
March 28, 2005
Well, you will have plenty of time to discuss your “place in society” with the other fellows at the club. I love the idea of a French/English unemployed guy, whose fund just blew up, telling me that I am going to fail.
At Third Point, like the financial markets in general, “one’s place in society” does not matter at all. We are a bunch of scrappy guys from diverse backgrounds (Jewish, Muslim, Hindu etc.) who enjoy outwitting pompous asses, like yourself, in financial markets globally.
Your “inexplicable insouciance” and disrespect is fascinating; it must be a French/English aristocratic thing. I will be following your “career” with great interest.
I have copied Patrick so that he can introduce you to people who might be a better fit. There must be an insurance company or mutual fund out there for you. Dan Loeb.
From: Alan Lewis
To: Daniel Loeb
March 28, 2005
From: Daniel Loeb
To: Alan Lewis
March 28, 2005

Ytterligare ett mail som skickades härs och tvärs över världens alla handlarrum var det “Öppna Brev till Investerare” som hedgefondförvaltaren Andrew Lahde skrev i samband med att han precis tjänat en förmögenhet på att betta emot subprime-marknaden. Något långt, men helt klart läsvärt och underhållande:

“Today I write not to gloat. Given the pain that nearly everyone is experiencing, that would be entirely inappropriate. Nor am I writing to make further predictions, as most of my forecasts in previous letters have unfolded or are in the process of unfolding. Instead, I am writing to say goodbye.

Recently, on the front page of Section C of the Wall Street Journal, a hedge fund manager who was also closing up shop (a $300 million fund), was quoted as saying, “What I have learned about the hedge fund business is that I hate it.” I could not agree more with that statement. I was in this game for the money. The low hanging fruit, i.e. idiots whose parents paid for prep school, Yale, and then the Harvard MBA, was there for the taking. These people who were (often) truly not worthy of the education they received (or supposedly received) rose to the top of companies such as AIG, Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers and all levels of our government. All of this behavior supporting the Aristocracy, only ended up making it easier for me to find people stupid enough to take the other side of my trades. God bless America.

There are far too many people for me to sincerely thank for my success. However, I do not want to sound like a Hollywood actor accepting an award. The money was reward enough. Furthermore, the endless list those deserving thanks know who they are.

I will no longer manage money for other people or institutions. I have enough of my own wealth to manage. Some people, who think they have arrived at a reasonable estimate of my net worth, might be surprised that I would call it quits with such a small war chest. That is fine; I am content with my rewards. Moreover, I will let others try to amass nine, ten or eleven figure net worths. Meanwhile, their lives suck. Appointments back to back, booked solid for the next three months, they look forward to their two week vacation in January during which they will likely be glued to their Blackberries or other such devices. What is the point? They will all be forgotten in fifty years anyway. Steve Balmer, Steven Cohen, and Larry Ellison will all be forgotten. I do not understand the legacy thing. Nearly everyone will be forgotten. Give up on leaving your mark. Throw the Blackberry away and enjoy life.

So this is it. With all due respect, I am dropping out. Please do not expect any type of reply to emails or voicemails within normal time frames or at all. Andy Springer and his company will be handling the dissolution of the fund. And don’t worry about my employees, they were always employed by Mr. Springer’s company and only one (who has been well-rewarded) will lose his job.

I have no interest in any deals in which anyone would like me to participate. I truly do not have a strong opinion about any market right now, other than to say that things will continue to get worse for some time, probably years. I am content sitting on the sidelines and waiting. After all, sitting and waiting is how we made money from the subprime debacle. I now have time to repair my health, which was destroyed by the stress I layered onto myself over the past two years, as well as my entire life — where I had to compete for spaces in universities and graduate schools, jobs and assets under management — with those who had all the advantages (rich parents) that I did not. May meritocracy be part of a new form of government, which needs to be established.

On the issue of the U.S. Government, I would like to make a modest proposal. First, I point out the obvious flaws, whereby legislation was repeatedly brought forth to Congress over the past eight years, which would have reigned in the predatory lending practices of now mostly defunct institutions. These institutions regularly filled the coffers of both parties in return for voting down all of this legislation designed to protect the common citizen. This is an outrage, yet no one seems to know or care about it. Since Thomas Jefferson and Adam Smith passed, I would argue that there has been a dearth of worthy philosophers in this country, at least ones focused on improving government. Capitalism worked for two hundred years, but times change, and systems become corrupt. George Soros, a man of staggering wealth, has stated that he would like to be remembered as a philosopher. My suggestion is that this great man start and sponsor a forum for great minds to come together to create a new system of government that truly represents the common man’s interest, while at the same time creating rewards great enough to attract the best and brightest minds to serve in government roles without having to rely on corruption to further their interests or lifestyles. This forum could be similar to the one used to create the operating system, Linux, which competes with Microsoft’s near monopoly. I believe there is an answer, but for now the system is clearly broken.

Lastly, while I still have an audience, I would like to bring attention to an alternative food and energy source. You won’t see it included in BP’s, “Feel good. We are working on sustainable solutions,” television commercials, nor is it mentioned in ADM’s similar commercials. But hemp has been used for at least 5,000 years for cloth and food, as well as just about everything that is produced from petroleum products. Hemp is not marijuana and vice versa. Hemp is the male plant and it grows like a weed, hence the slang term. The original American flag was made of hemp fiber and our Constitution was printed on paper made of hemp. It was used as recently as World War II by the U.S. Government, and then promptly made illegal after the war was won. At a time when rhetoric is flying about becoming more self-sufficient in terms of energy, why is it illegal to grow this plant in this country? Ah, the female. The evil female plant — marijuana. It gets you high, it makes you laugh, it does not produce a hangover. Unlike alcohol, it does not result in bar fights or wife beating. So, why is this innocuous plant illegal? Is it a gateway drug? No, that would be alcohol, which is so heavily advertised in this country. My only conclusion as to why it is illegal, is that Corporate America, which owns Congress, would rather sell you Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax and other additive drugs, than allow you to grow a plant in your home without some of the profits going into their coffers. This policy is ludicrous. It has surely contributed to our dependency on foreign energy sources. Our policies have other countries literally laughing at our stupidity, most notably Canada, as well as several European nations (both Eastern and Western). You would not know this by paying attention to U.S. media sources though, as they tend not to elaborate on who is laughing at the United States this week. Please people, let’s stop the rhetoric and start thinking about how we can truly become self-sufficient.

With that I say good-bye and good luck.

All the best,

Andrew Lahde”

På en svensk leverantör av finansiella stödtjänster höll man ett krismöte timmarna innan man skulle träffa viktiga potentiella storkunder från ett danskt finanshus. Med sammanbiten min gick chefen på avdelningen igenom hur viktigt det var att hålla god min och avhålla sig från skratt eller fnitter under mötet. Personalen förstod först inte riktigt poängen med mötet, men de skulle snart bli varse pudelns kärna. Chefen för det danska bolaget som skulle hålla i mötet kallades nämligen för “herr Langeballe”.

Tack till Andreas

Från “Mr Twister” har vi fått följande story: “Under några år i Luxemburg på en av de stora svenska, hade vi en en intern sport som gick ut på att jacka courtaget för jobbiga kunder. Enkelt uttryckt skar vi emellan ordentligt på valutabenet av varje transaktion på de kunder som hade mage att förhandla ner sitt courtage. Följden blev att de som var jobbigast att förhandla med gällande courtagen, var de som fick den största totalkostnaden. På kontoret kallade vi det för finansiell karma.”

Ett mail som blev mycket uppmärksammat under 2010 handlar om utdrag ur den dress code som den schweiziska investmentbanken UBS gav sina anställda. Det rörde sig om ett 42 sidor (!!!) omfattande dokument där några av höjdpunkterna bestod av:

The UBS Dress Code: Do’s and Don’ts
For women:

Wear your jacket buttoned.
When sitting, the buttons should be unfastened.
Make sure to touch up hair regrowth regularly if you color your hair.
For men:

Store your suit on a large hanger with rounded shoulders to preserve the shape of the garment.
Schedule barber appointments every four weeks to maintain your haircut shape.
Eating garlic and onions
Smoking or spending time in smoke-filled places
Wearing short-sleeved shirts or cuff links
Wearing socks that are too short, showing your skin while sitting
Allowing underwear to be seen
Touching up perfume during or after lunch break
Using tie knots that don’t match your face shape and/or body shape.

Ett mail som cirkulerar bland handlarrummen i samband med valtider var fjärde år handlar om det välkända restaurangbesöket:

“10 vänner går dagligen ut för att äta middag. Notan blir 1000 kronor. Notan
delas på samma sätt som skatter betalas:
- De första fyra – de fattigaste – betalar ingenting;
- den 5:e betalar 10 kr
- den 6:e betalar 30 kr
- den 7:e 70 kr
- den 8:e 120 kr
- den 9:e 180 kr
- Den 10:e personen, den rikaste, betalar 590 kr.
De tio vännerna åt middag på restaurangen varje dag, nöjda med uppgörelsen. Tills en dag, då
ägaren till restaurangen gav dem rabatt. “Ni är så bra kunder. Jag ger er 200 kr i rabatt på era
middagar.” Middag för 10 personer kostar nu 800 kr.
Man ville fortfarande betala middagen som skatter betalas i Sverige. De första fyra personerna
påverkades inte. De ck fortsätta äta gratis. Men hur skulle de andra 6 göra – de som betalade?
Hur skulle de dela upp rabatten på 200 kr så att alla skulle få sin del? De insåg att 200 kr delat
med 6 blir 33,33 kr. Men drog de bort det från varje persons andel skulle den 5:e och 6:e personen
få betalt för att äta. Restaurangägaren föreslog att det vore rättvist att reducera varje persons
nota proportionellt. Han räknade ut de belopp varje person skulle betala:
- resultatet blev att även den 5:e personen ck äta gratis
- den 6:e ck betala 20 kr
- den 7:e betalade 50 kr
- den 8:e 90 kr
- den 9: 120 kr
- den 10:e personen betalade 520 kr istället för tidigare 590 kr.
Alla fick lägre pris än tidigare och nu kunde de fem första äta gratis. Utanför restaurangen började
de jämföra vad de sparat. “Jag tjänade bara en tia av rabatten!”, började den 6:e personen. Han
pekade på den 10:e personen, “…men han tjänade 70 kronor!!!” – “Precis, jag sparade också bara
en tia”, sa den 5:e personen. “Det är orättvist att han ck sju gånger så mycket som jag!”
“Det är sant!”, skrek den 7:e personen. “Varför ska han få 70 kr tillbaka när jag bara ck 20 kr? De
rika ska alltid få det bättre!” – “Vänta ett tag”, skrek de fyra första, “Vi fick ingenting! Det här
systemet utnyttjar oss fattiga!”
De nio personerna skällde på den 10:e och kallade honom för en kallhjärtad egoist, ett kapitalistsvin,
en blodsugare som sparkar på de som ligger. Nästa kväll kom den 10:e personen inte till
middagen. Så skönt tyckte de andra nio, satte sig ner och åt. När notan kom upptäckte de något viktigt.
De kunde inte betala den. Det fattades 520 kronor…”

Ett småkul mail som cirkulerade i tradingkretsar i början av 2000-talet handlade om Chuck Norris trading-förehavanden. Njut av marknadens mesta och bästa trading-badass:

Chuck Norris has no Stop Loss, because he never loses.
When Chuck Norris was a Trainee learning to trade, the Markets adapted to him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t predict the price of oil. Oil just does whatever the fuck Chuck Norris says!
The lie was not that Chuck Norris owned Enron. He did. But he didn’t lose money. He made a huge profit on his LONG investment in Enron. Nobody has the guts to question how.
When told of ”Fear and Greed” and their roles in the market, Chuck Norris had to ask what ”fear” meant.
Chuck Norris RECEIVES a commission every time he trades.
options are a zero-sum game. Except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins.
The world is not going through a food crisis because of speculation – Chuck Norris simply had a larger breakfast than usual.
Chuck Norris determines the Bid/Ask when he trades
One time Chuck Norris took a loss on a trade so he round house kicked it….a loss has never showed up again.
Chuck Norris was short a million of bear stearns shares two days before rumors hit the street. He recalls the position as one of his least successful trades…
Chuck Norris can buy the bid, sell the ask and kick your face twice in the mean time.
Chuck doesn’t trade with the trends. Trends follow his trades…
Chuck Norris doesn’t speculate when he trades hundreds of contracts on hogs, wheat, corn, OJ, coffee, etc – This is how he goes grocery shopping.
Chuck is on the other side of every losing trade you make
Chuck Norris never meets resistance in the market it wouldn’t dare.
Chuck Norris went on a shopping spree last weekend and charged $350M on his Mastercard. – Hence, Mastercard will report a charge off of $350M in next quarter’s earnings release. – NOBODY asks Chuck Norris for payment.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to put in orders to make a profit, he stares at his P&L until it shows up out of fear.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a P&L statement. Chuck Norris never has a loss.
Chuck Norris is not concerned with overnight risk. He simply gives the evil eye to the markets before going to sleep.’
Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He lays quietly hoping that the markets deceive him so he can have an excuse to obliterate the financial world as we know it. And His pillow is His gun.
There was no earthquake in China. – Chuck Norris was trading the HSI and pounded his fist on the table because the index did not follow his instructions exactly.
Chuck Norris starts his trading day after the closing bell.
When Chuck Norris buys options, they don’t expire. Ever.
The market doesnt fill gaps when it wants to. Chuck Norris Tells the market when to fill them. – he only reason a market has gaps in the first place is because Chuck punched a hole in it.
chuck norris has trading screens in front of him and behind him….for the eyes in the back of his head
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his excellent trading ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
Chuck Norris owns the barrels that crude is shipped in.
Chuck Norris trades the ES blindfolded using only braille at the same time doing a hip hop mash up of Beethoven’s 9th symphony in Japanese…
chuck norris buys 10 barrels of oil a day, just to oil his biceps. He uses another 10 to oil his dick for the nightcap. Nobody ever hears from these women again.
When Chuck Norris logs into his trading platform, he sees only those trades with the perfect set-up. He programmed the software himself. A dirty look is all it took.
Trading curbs were not created to keep the markets from plunging during periods of great volatility.
They were created to allow Chuck Norris to refill his coffee cup during times of great volatility. Chuck Norris doesn’t care if the markets plunge. He was the one that told it to plunge.
Chucks trading strategy is 50% short, 50% long, and 100% deadly.
Chuck Norris sent the following items to the IRS in 1977; – A picture of himself. – A blank 1040 form with his name on the top and ”FUCK YOU” scribbled in blood across the front. – He has never heard from the IRS again.
Chuck Norris had insider information on one of his trades. The SEC had the audacity to make a phone call to question the trade. – The conversation went something like this: – SEC: Mr Norris, We are calling in rega…. – then dead silence. – Chuck Norris had reached through the phone and choked the SEC investigator to death.
Chuck Norris does not watch the market, the market watches him.
Global warming has been found to be caused by Chuck Norris doing pushups, which is spiraling the earth closer to the sun.
Chuck Norris is traded on the nasdaq under the symbol PAIN. No one can trade it except for Chuck Himself.
There are no back swan events in the markets. It’s just Chuck Norris kicking your ass on the other side of your trades.
Chuck turned down a seat on the CBOE. First, he doesn’t sit – he stands. Second, he doesn’t ‘exchange’. He takes.
On Monday, October 19, 1987 Chuck Norris decided it was time to sell some of his stocks.
With one mighty Karate chop, Chuck Norris invented the first stock split.
Chuck Norris is Short Crude, Long Airlines and positive in all Trades
Chuck Norris uses Point and Figure charts for his trading. – He ”points” to the price level he would like the market to be at… – And the rest of us ”figure” how to trade the market to that price level.
On Mar 10, 2000, when Nasdaq was at 5048, the trend made the mistake of calling Chuck Norris friend. He roundkicked Nasdaq’s ass all the way down to 1300.
Chuck Norris decides at the end of the day in which currency his profits are banked.
When Chuck was a specialist , he was providing a one sided market to spare time.
Chuck Norris scalps exclusively via phone orders to the pit.
Chuck Norris once considered automated trading. The code he wrote in one hour was not only predicting future prices, it was also polishing his boots, cutting his cigars and preparing glasses of cognac in the meantime.
Chuck Norris is so fast that it only takes him 30 seconds to watch 60 Minutes
Chuck Norris finds some trading terminologies unrelevant. Everything he does in options should be called a strangle